"You'll Find Someone"
"Don't worry."
"It'll happen when you least expect it."
"It'll happen when you're not looking for it."
"You just gotta get out there!"
"You're a great guy."
"Any girl would be lucky to have you."
"Single life is great, right?"
"You should be happy by yourself first."
"You'll find someone."
The other day I was talking with my friend, he said some of those things to me. I'm thankful for the good intentions if nothing else, but at 36 with no real success in my romantic life ever, it all just feels so empty. Like some tools used to get me to stop talking about it. Not surprisingly, he's in a relationship, and people in relationships seem to understand the least.
The only 2 girlfriends I've had in my life I usually don't even count. The 1st was in Korea and it was never going to work out from the beginning, our futures were too different. She said "let's just break up when you leave," and so we did, less than 2 months later. The second one was in Japan and lasted a month. I told her I couldn't live in Japan forever and she said she couldn't move. We still went out, but broke it off a month later, only meeting twice after that. These largely meaningless relationships gave me a taste of what it feels like to know the happiness of being in a relationship which almost makes it worse. Would you count these?
Women like to tell me some version of "you should be happy by yourself, being lonely is a bad reason to look for a relationship," and I wonder if they actually believe this. Weirdly enough, no guy has ever said that to me. I think a large part of it is that it's so much easier for them to get a boyfriend that they sort of take it for granted, and being in a relationship isn't that big of a deal to them. If you are only single for months at a time it probably feels more like freedom than a prison. Also with dating dynamics the way they are, women get to do the rejecting most of the time. Men have to eat the rejection and I feel that is the more painful side to be on. My whole life I've been told that being lonely is bad, but it's easy to say that if finding romance comes so easy for you. I'm finally coming to grips with the idea that it's ok to be lonely, that it's ok to be unhappy that you're single. It's fine. It just means I want more from life, right?
I believe there are different types of love. For instance, you don't love your boyfriend, your brother and your father the same way even though you use the word "love" to describe how you feel for all of them. You love one as a romantic partner, one as a sibling and one as a parent. You can be fulfilled in 2 of those but be missing on the 3rd one. That's how I am currently. I feel happy with the love of my family and friends, I just have a big hole in my romantic life. I'm happy in my individual life. I have hobbies, hang out with friends and my career is going great, but my romantic life has always been a train wreck. I have been trying for well over 10 years but still have not had a meaningful relationship.
It doesn't help that I'm an under average looking Asian guy with no social skills. Asian guys get no love in America, even by Asian women sometimes. People are quick to say all these great qualities I have, that I'm handsome, whatever. Of course they can say those kinds of things because they don't have to worry that I might ask them out. Empty words. Their opinions don't really matter. The only opinions that matter are of the women that I could potentially go out with, and all of them so far have silently disagreed that I have the qualities necessary to be a romantic partner. It's hard not to believe them. It's hard to improve my face. Plastic surgery? What about my personality? Do I joke too much? I should share more of myself, but I can't think that fast to say meaningful stuff in the moment. I'll have to think about it.
Everyone I know has had some defining relationship, many people have had multiple ones. They were in relationships where the other person loved them, even if it didn't work out in the end. They believe they are capable of being loved. At 36 years old and nothing to show for it romantically, despite how silly it sounds, right now I am not sure I am capable of being loved, and the only thing that will prove it to me is someone loving me. The insecurity makes me feel pathetic, and feeling pathetic feels embarrassing.
If it sounds like I'm complaining, I guess I am. The lifetime of loneliness feels like a 10 lb. weight. I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of being told something is coming by people whose romantic life has been relatively easy, tired of being told not to be lonely, tired of being lonely, and tired of throwing myself out there and bouncing into rejection time and time again. It is ok to be lonely, despite so many saying it's not. These are my feelings and they are right because feelings cannot be wrong. Tomorrow brings hope but today I need another glass of whiskey.
It is 8:00pm on Sunday, February 9th, 2020, and I am broken.
"It'll happen when you least expect it."
"It'll happen when you're not looking for it."
"You just gotta get out there!"
"You're a great guy."
"Any girl would be lucky to have you."
"Single life is great, right?"
"You should be happy by yourself first."
"You'll find someone."
The other day I was talking with my friend, he said some of those things to me. I'm thankful for the good intentions if nothing else, but at 36 with no real success in my romantic life ever, it all just feels so empty. Like some tools used to get me to stop talking about it. Not surprisingly, he's in a relationship, and people in relationships seem to understand the least.
The only 2 girlfriends I've had in my life I usually don't even count. The 1st was in Korea and it was never going to work out from the beginning, our futures were too different. She said "let's just break up when you leave," and so we did, less than 2 months later. The second one was in Japan and lasted a month. I told her I couldn't live in Japan forever and she said she couldn't move. We still went out, but broke it off a month later, only meeting twice after that. These largely meaningless relationships gave me a taste of what it feels like to know the happiness of being in a relationship which almost makes it worse. Would you count these?
Women like to tell me some version of "you should be happy by yourself, being lonely is a bad reason to look for a relationship," and I wonder if they actually believe this. Weirdly enough, no guy has ever said that to me. I think a large part of it is that it's so much easier for them to get a boyfriend that they sort of take it for granted, and being in a relationship isn't that big of a deal to them. If you are only single for months at a time it probably feels more like freedom than a prison. Also with dating dynamics the way they are, women get to do the rejecting most of the time. Men have to eat the rejection and I feel that is the more painful side to be on. My whole life I've been told that being lonely is bad, but it's easy to say that if finding romance comes so easy for you. I'm finally coming to grips with the idea that it's ok to be lonely, that it's ok to be unhappy that you're single. It's fine. It just means I want more from life, right?
I believe there are different types of love. For instance, you don't love your boyfriend, your brother and your father the same way even though you use the word "love" to describe how you feel for all of them. You love one as a romantic partner, one as a sibling and one as a parent. You can be fulfilled in 2 of those but be missing on the 3rd one. That's how I am currently. I feel happy with the love of my family and friends, I just have a big hole in my romantic life. I'm happy in my individual life. I have hobbies, hang out with friends and my career is going great, but my romantic life has always been a train wreck. I have been trying for well over 10 years but still have not had a meaningful relationship.
It doesn't help that I'm an under average looking Asian guy with no social skills. Asian guys get no love in America, even by Asian women sometimes. People are quick to say all these great qualities I have, that I'm handsome, whatever. Of course they can say those kinds of things because they don't have to worry that I might ask them out. Empty words. Their opinions don't really matter. The only opinions that matter are of the women that I could potentially go out with, and all of them so far have silently disagreed that I have the qualities necessary to be a romantic partner. It's hard not to believe them. It's hard to improve my face. Plastic surgery? What about my personality? Do I joke too much? I should share more of myself, but I can't think that fast to say meaningful stuff in the moment. I'll have to think about it.
Everyone I know has had some defining relationship, many people have had multiple ones. They were in relationships where the other person loved them, even if it didn't work out in the end. They believe they are capable of being loved. At 36 years old and nothing to show for it romantically, despite how silly it sounds, right now I am not sure I am capable of being loved, and the only thing that will prove it to me is someone loving me. The insecurity makes me feel pathetic, and feeling pathetic feels embarrassing.
If it sounds like I'm complaining, I guess I am. The lifetime of loneliness feels like a 10 lb. weight. I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of being told something is coming by people whose romantic life has been relatively easy, tired of being told not to be lonely, tired of being lonely, and tired of throwing myself out there and bouncing into rejection time and time again. It is ok to be lonely, despite so many saying it's not. These are my feelings and they are right because feelings cannot be wrong. Tomorrow brings hope but today I need another glass of whiskey.
It is 8:00pm on Sunday, February 9th, 2020, and I am broken.
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