Blueberry Pancakes

 Dear 18 year old me, Your life is quite a bit different than you thought it'd be.  Probably you expect this, as at 18 you have no idea what you'd be doing at 38, mostly because that's 20 years in the future.  I know you want to study psychology, and you do, but you don't use the degree for much except for teaching English abroad.  That was fun, so it wasn't completely useless.  Your job ends up being at a supported living business as a finance manager as you studied finance/accounting after you got back from the JET program.  You live in a shitty apartment, but it's not that bad really, and you do it because you'd rather save money.  You are happy there.  You own a house that you rent out.  You're still single though, and you have been.  You were right, it would take a long time for you to get your first girlfriend.  In fact I'm still waiting on that.  Sorry, but in 20 years you're still lame and it's hard to make friends/love...

I recently got back from camping with Andus. Couldn't sleep one night and thought of all the mistakes with romance I've made in my life. Might as well list them here because instead of letting the past be the past I'm letting the past consume and destroy my self esteem. Well, I say that, but it's not like I had any self esteem regarding dating left! I regret...  1. Not finding out who it was that liked me in elementary school. I'm pretty sure I know who it was but still. 1994  2. Not trying to press things further with Hannah Kim. I'm not certain, but I think she would have dated me. 2002 3. Not trying to press things further with the girl who purposefully waved to me and then ran away at the sock hop. Is there a bigger hint than that that she wanted to talk to me? 2002 4. In college, when sitting at the table with those Chinese girls who mentioned that two girls would be better than two guys when it came to raising a kid, not making conversation with them....

 It's been over half a year since I've had shoes that fit.  The new kinds with the memory foam have too much memory foam in them and they kill my feet.  I'm not sure where to go or what to do now.  Nothing fits.  My feet are killing me. Online dating is no different.  A girl messaged me, then 2 messages later disabled her account.  Just wondering when I can get this 10 lb. weight off my shoulders. I went to a Japanese language exchange but no one really enjoyed talking to me that much.  My social awkwardness is why I haven't made any long lasting friends I can hang out with since high school.  At this rate I'll be all alone soon. I go to work. I come home.  I play video games.  Go to work the next day.  The years just pass insignificantly.  What am I even doing right now?  I don't enjoy anything I do.

Going through my old files I found something.  I don't remember who wrote it, but I guess I saved it because I hoped it was written for me.  I must have had good reason to think that, or I wouldn't have saved it.  I know we don't talk anymore, but I hope you're doing well, whoever you are.  I hope I had a positive impact on your life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After all these years.. i think, and then, look behind.. i realize, who's the best and who are the people i called the "true-friends" out there... We go through life and there are a lot of people who hang out with us. Do you ever have a feeling? it always feels like there's something missing.. Does it feel like they kinda leave you out sometimes, even when you're with them? Or you just got a feeling that they're abandon you or you want to advoid/run away from them sometimes? You can have many friends but still feel lonel...