Blueberry Pancakes

 Dear 18 year old me, Your life is quite a bit different than you thought it'd be.  Probably you expect this, as at 18 you have no idea what you'd be doing at 38, mostly because that's 20 years in the future.  I know you want to study psychology, and you do, but you don't use the degree for much except for teaching English abroad.  That was fun, so it wasn't completely useless.  Your job ends up being at a supported living business as a finance manager as you studied finance/accounting after you got back from the JET program.  You live in a shitty apartment, but it's not that bad really, and you do it because you'd rather save money.  You are happy there.  You own a house that you rent out.  You're still single though, and you have been.  You were right, it would take a long time for you to get your first girlfriend.  In fact I'm still waiting on that.  Sorry, but in 20 years you're still lame and it's hard to make friends/love...

I recently got back from camping with Andus. Couldn't sleep one night and thought of all the mistakes with romance I've made in my life. Might as well list them here because instead of letting the past be the past I'm letting the past consume and destroy my self esteem. Well, I say that, but it's not like I had any self esteem regarding dating left! I regret...  1. Not finding out who it was that liked me in elementary school. I'm pretty sure I know who it was but still. 1994  2. Not trying to press things further with Hannah Kim. I'm not certain, but I think she would have dated me. 2002 3. Not trying to press things further with the girl who purposefully waved to me and then ran away at the sock hop. Is there a bigger hint than that that she wanted to talk to me? 2002 4. In college, when sitting at the table with those Chinese girls who mentioned that two girls would be better than two guys when it came to raising a kid, not making conversation with them....

 It's been over half a year since I've had shoes that fit.  The new kinds with the memory foam have too much memory foam in them and they kill my feet.  I'm not sure where to go or what to do now.  Nothing fits.  My feet are killing me. Online dating is no different.  A girl messaged me, then 2 messages later disabled her account.  Just wondering when I can get this 10 lb. weight off my shoulders. I went to a Japanese language exchange but no one really enjoyed talking to me that much.  My social awkwardness is why I haven't made any long lasting friends I can hang out with since high school.  At this rate I'll be all alone soon. I go to work. I come home.  I play video games.  Go to work the next day.  The years just pass insignificantly.  What am I even doing right now?  I don't enjoy anything I do.

Going through my old files I found something.  I don't remember who wrote it, but I guess I saved it because I hoped it was written for me.  I must have had good reason to think that, or I wouldn't have saved it.  I know we don't talk anymore, but I hope you're doing well, whoever you are.  I hope I had a positive impact on your life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After all these years.. i think, and then, look behind.. i realize, who's the best and who are the people i called the "true-friends" out there... We go through life and there are a lot of people who hang out with us. Do you ever have a feeling? it always feels like there's something missing.. Does it feel like they kinda leave you out sometimes, even when you're with them? Or you just got a feeling that they're abandon you or you want to advoid/run away from them sometimes? You can have many friends but still feel lonel...

I feel like a broken record whenever I make a post on here because it's always about the same thing. Dating life has been crappy as usual.  Even my dreams have been cruel to me.  The majority of my dreams are about a girl who likes me.  Things start going well, and then I wake up. A few years ago, I had a friend tell me that he believed he and I would be single for the rest of our lives. He told me this as it had been a good year or two since he had a girlfriend. I told him that would not be true for him but I'm pretty sure I would be for me. Fast forward two years later and he has an awesome girlfriend of course.  I like myself, I'm just sad that no one else seems to. I have to stick around because my parents would be devastated if I didn't, but once they are gone, if I am still single, I will probably start eating a bunch of food that I enjoy instead of watching my cholesterol. I will start enjoying a lot more whiskey and other such beverages. Basically, an attempt...

  A nice conversation I had There is a cycle where every couple of months either one of two things happen. I either feel so very desperate or I feel a little bit of confidence. Either way, I get inspired to once again try online dating despite the fact that whenever I do try it, it is the most soul crushing and depressing thing that I have ever done in my life. No exaggeration. So this month I spent around $500 signing up to online dating sites again. Amazingly, I actually got a few of the girls I messaged to reply to me. I got one date where she immediately unmatched afterwards and currently I'm talking to two girls who don't seem all that interested in me. All in all, online dating has once again been a failure, but what can I really do. I have narrowed down the reasons I am still single to a couple of things. One, just to get it out of the way, I am not attractive. I also have very poor social skills and even worse romantic skills. This makes it basically impossible to form ...

It's official! I now own my very first house. Because it was an investment house, so many different types of money were not able to be used according to the bank. It was such a hassle to try and get this home, but it's mine now. People have already moved in. There already seems to be a problem with the dryer, but such is the life of a landlord. So many times I wasn't sure that I would actually get this house. The bank just kept denying everything I tried, but eventually it went through. In large part thanks to the help of my parents and my employer. I will be thanking them separately when I figure out how. It's a pretty nice home for not really having much choice. Financially, I feel like I am on the right track now finally. Not exactly where I want to be 100%, but I'm getting there. Below is a picture of the fillet mignon dinner I had for celebration the day after I got the keys. I got the second shot of the vaccine and while it gave me some cold and hot flashes du...