Blueberry Pancakes

So it's still going with Toronto girl. Today marks exactly 2 months since we matched on Facebook dating. She continues to ignore any message that is even slighty flirtatious. When she does find a topic she wants to talk about then she'll reply with meaninginful messages, but if the topic I bring up isn't that exciting she'll straight up just ignore me. I wish I had more self respect so I could just end this myself, but I don't, so I can't. This is all I have and if it ends I'll go back to having nothing. I hate myself for letting myself be strung along like this. I hate myself for being so undesirable. I hate myself for not being able to connect with people. It seems like she is trying to get me to be bored and just let our conversation slow fade. I am not going to let that happen though! I am tired of this slow fade, ghosting, whatever else shit. Just come out and say you're not feeling it. I don't know why she continues to let this drag ...

 2 hours hasn't said anything to me since Thursday and it's now Sunday afternoon.  Before that it was nearly 2 days since she responded.  She stopped sending pictures and memes a week ago.  She was attending an event this weekend, but she's uploaded stories to Facebook so it's not like she didn't have time to respond.  She also viewed my messages soon after I sent them and has been on messenger plenty of times (I check a lot because I'm dumb).  I'm pretty sure I'm just being ghosted at this point. I wish I could take the angle of me just overthinking things, but this is always how it goes.  I wish I could find a girl who is as interested in talking to me as I am talking to her.  This girl likes anime, video games and Asian guys and I had a month and a half of chatting and couldn't even secure a date.  She even liked me first on FB dating.  This is the most disappointing one that got away.  If I couldn't even secure a date with ...

 These blog posts never seem to change in tone. I'm on some meds and in a boot for my feet issue.  I don't think it's working as my feet still hurt and I see no real improvement.  I am going to try more stuff, but I wonder if hurt feet is just my reality from now on. Over the last month or so I got 3 matches on Facebook dating.  They all live in Seattle with me in Vancouver.  One was 4.5 hours away, the other was 3, the other a little over 2.  The 3 hour away one fizzled for seemingly no reason after she seemed fine to have a date just that weekend.  The 4.5 hour away one fizzled after figuring out how far away I was.  She never looked at my profile and figured it out??  I was still willing to try too.  Over a month later I'm still talking to the 2 hour one, but it feels like if I don't say interesting things she'll take days to reply.  I feel no real interest coming from her and it's just a matter of time before I get blocked....

 Dear 18 year old me, Your life is quite a bit different than you thought it'd be.  Probably you expect this, as at 18 you have no idea what you'd be doing at 38, mostly because that's 20 years in the future.  I know you want to study psychology, and you do, but you don't use the degree for much except for teaching English abroad.  That was fun, so it wasn't completely useless.  Your job ends up being at a supported living business as a finance manager as you studied finance/accounting after you got back from the JET program.  You live in a shitty apartment, but it's not that bad really, and you do it because you'd rather save money.  You are happy there.  You own a house that you rent out.  You're still single though, and you have been.  You were right, it would take a long time for you to get your first girlfriend.  In fact I'm still waiting on that.  Sorry, but in 20 years you're still lame and it's hard to make friends/love...

I recently got back from camping with Andus. Couldn't sleep one night and thought of all the mistakes with romance I've made in my life. Might as well list them here because instead of letting the past be the past I'm letting the past consume and destroy my self esteem. Well, I say that, but it's not like I had any self esteem regarding dating left! I regret...  1. Not finding out who it was that liked me in elementary school. I'm pretty sure I know who it was but still. 1994  2. Not trying to press things further with Hannah Kim. I'm not certain, but I think she would have dated me. 2002 3. Not trying to press things further with the girl who purposefully waved to me and then ran away at the sock hop. Is there a bigger hint than that that she wanted to talk to me? 2002 4. In college, when sitting at the table with those Chinese girls who mentioned that two girls would be better than two guys when it came to raising a kid, not making conversation with them....

 It's been over half a year since I've had shoes that fit.  The new kinds with the memory foam have too much memory foam in them and they kill my feet.  I'm not sure where to go or what to do now.  Nothing fits.  My feet are killing me. Online dating is no different.  A girl messaged me, then 2 messages later disabled her account.  Just wondering when I can get this 10 lb. weight off my shoulders. I went to a Japanese language exchange but no one really enjoyed talking to me that much.  My social awkwardness is why I haven't made any long lasting friends I can hang out with since high school.  At this rate I'll be all alone soon. I go to work. I come home.  I play video games.  Go to work the next day.  The years just pass insignificantly.  What am I even doing right now?  I don't enjoy anything I do.

Going through my old files I found something.  I don't remember who wrote it, but I guess I saved it because I hoped it was written for me.  I must have had good reason to think that, or I wouldn't have saved it.  I know we don't talk anymore, but I hope you're doing well, whoever you are.  I hope I had a positive impact on your life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After all these years.. i think, and then, look behind.. i realize, who's the best and who are the people i called the "true-friends" out there... We go through life and there are a lot of people who hang out with us. Do you ever have a feeling? it always feels like there's something missing.. Does it feel like they kinda leave you out sometimes, even when you're with them? Or you just got a feeling that they're abandon you or you want to advoid/run away from them sometimes? You can have many friends but still feel lonel...

I feel like a broken record whenever I make a post on here because it's always about the same thing. Dating life has been crappy as usual.  Even my dreams have been cruel to me.  The majority of my dreams are about a girl who likes me.  Things start going well, and then I wake up. A few years ago, I had a friend tell me that he believed he and I would be single for the rest of our lives. He told me this as it had been a good year or two since he had a girlfriend. I told him that would not be true for him but I'm pretty sure I would be for me. Fast forward two years later and he has an awesome girlfriend of course.  I like myself, I'm just sad that no one else seems to. I have to stick around because my parents would be devastated if I didn't, but once they are gone, if I am still single, I will probably start eating a bunch of food that I enjoy instead of watching my cholesterol. I will start enjoying a lot more whiskey and other such beverages. Basically, an attempt...

  A nice conversation I had There is a cycle where every couple of months either one of two things happen. I either feel so very desperate or I feel a little bit of confidence. Either way, I get inspired to once again try online dating despite the fact that whenever I do try it, it is the most soul crushing and depressing thing that I have ever done in my life. No exaggeration. So this month I spent around $500 signing up to online dating sites again. Amazingly, I actually got a few of the girls I messaged to reply to me. I got one date where she immediately unmatched afterwards and currently I'm talking to two girls who don't seem all that interested in me. All in all, online dating has once again been a failure, but what can I really do. I have narrowed down the reasons I am still single to a couple of things. One, just to get it out of the way, I am not attractive. I also have very poor social skills and even worse romantic skills. This makes it basically impossible to form ...

It's official! I now own my very first house. Because it was an investment house, so many different types of money were not able to be used according to the bank. It was such a hassle to try and get this home, but it's mine now. People have already moved in. There already seems to be a problem with the dryer, but such is the life of a landlord. So many times I wasn't sure that I would actually get this house. The bank just kept denying everything I tried, but eventually it went through. In large part thanks to the help of my parents and my employer. I will be thanking them separately when I figure out how. It's a pretty nice home for not really having much choice. Financially, I feel like I am on the right track now finally. Not exactly where I want to be 100%, but I'm getting there. Below is a picture of the fillet mignon dinner I had for celebration the day after I got the keys. I got the second shot of the vaccine and while it gave me some cold and hot flashes du...

I got the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine from Phizer.  I will get the second dose on the 23rd.  Hoping I'm not part of the 5% it doesn’t work on so I can largely be done with this virus.  Before the virus hit, I used to go to a movie and a restaurant on the weekend.  I miss those days. I'm currently trying to buy a house as an investment property.  My company's clients would be the first tenants.  It's costing all of my savings and a loan from my company, but I think it will be worth it in the end.  The housing market is so insane right now that houses are going on sale and being sold a day or two later often for over the asking price. I saw a secret on PostSecret today that said “When you're not hot, everyone tells you that being a good person is enough, that someone will love you for who you are. It's the cruelest lie I have ever been told.”  That sounds like my secret and my truth.  Everyone is quick to tell you what a good person you ...

Today I was on Facebook and saw a comment on a friend’s post from someone I used to know in elementary school. That got me searching for other people that I remembered from elementary school. I didn't add or message any of them, but I did look on their pages to see how they were doing. Most seem to be doing OK which made me smile. It seems that when nothing exciting is happening in my life I like to look at the past and the good memories that come with it. Not that the past was perfect or anything, but just being able to remember the fun memories makes it a good rabbit hole to go down. Merry Christmas! I didn't do anything special, just went to my parents’ place for dinner and presents. Due to covid we couldn't really get together with anyone else, but it was nice just to see my parents. They cooked a delicious dinner and their presents to me were awesome.  Somehow they have managed to bring in an entire duck colony to feed. There is anywhere up to 50 ducks at a time. Wildl...

 Lately due to covid getting out of control again, we have been allowed to work at home if we can. Of course, we are still often going in, but now we aren't really required to show up at 8:00 AM even if we still have to clock in at that time. Being able to sleep in an extra 20 to 30 minutes has really improved my quality of life. The night owl in me really hates waking up so early and it's going to be hard to go back to going into the office all the time. Personally, I hate the small talk and answering the questions of “what did you do this weekend?” or “good morning, how are you?” A nice raise is coming to me this year so I guess I can't complain too much.  They have found and approved a vaccine for covid. Health care workers should be getting it soon so I am hoping to get mine. They still aren't sure if you can transmit the disease even after you have been vaccinated so I still won't be able to travel anywhere with restrictions. I hope I can get over to Taiwan soo...

Not sure how it's going to go but I've started talking to my friend about a business in buying real estate. We would buy houses and then rent them out to tenants. Hopefully we could get enough houses that we would have a solid line of real estate investments. Again, I'm not sure how far we will get into this, but real estate is always a solid investment so I'm hoping this goes well. Covid is still going strong, in fact it's stronger now in the US than it has been at any other time due to winter and people staying inside. They have supposedly found a vaccine that is set to be approved in the coming weeks with it going out to normal folk next year. It would be nice, I would like to do some traveling and be able to hug my parents again without fear of giving them the virus. Here’s hoping.

When you're in school it seems so easy to make friends. You are all forced to be at the same place for roughly 8 hours or more a day. It just seems natural that you would become friends with people around you. After school ends though, there isn't a whole lot holding you and your friends together, so oftentimes you slowly drift apart. Maybe you meet occasionally, but even that seems to slow down to a stop. In my mid 30s, I have one, maybe two people who actively try to hang out with me every once in a while. Other than that, the other people I would consider friends only hang out with me if I am the one inviting them. I still invite them because if I didn't, I'm not sure I would ever leave my apartment. Sometimes I try to reconnect with people on Facebook, but the people I try to reconnect with always have some reason to go after roughly 5 minutes of conversation. It makes me wonder why we are still Facebook friends. Why follow someone you don't really care about an...

I have a tradition that when I leave a place I have lived in for the final time, I stand in the doorway and just relive all the memories of that place. I then thank that place, and bow to it in gratitude. I am very thankful for all the memories and for allowing me to live with one of my best friends for three years. It was fun, and it's unfortunate that good times must come to an end, but such is life.  Thank you Campus Park Apartments #216. Fortunately, I found an apartment just down the street that is even closer to my work that I was before. Instead of a 10 minute walk, it's now a 6 minute walk. Instead of a 3 minute drive, it's now a 2 minute drive. 2020 has been an interesting year, but hopefully I can make some magic happen with these remaining three months.

The entire west coast seems to be on fire. I keep checking the evacuation maps to see how close it's getting to my parents. My friend Ike has already evacuated his home in Estacada with his family. Even up here in Vancouver the skies are filled with ash that is snowing down even though we aren't all that close to the fires. The year keeps getting crazier it seems like. On a positive note, I did manage to make a chicken and kimchi dish that I really like.

My second most favorite sound is the steady pat pat pat of rain drops crashing into the earth. The rain can't be too heavy or too light, it has to be just right, and it must maintain consistency. My favorite sound is nothing. Late at night when you go outside and there are no cars, no people, nothing man-made running and all you hear is the sound of nothing. Time stops for me for whatever reason when I hear nothing and I love it.  Right now there's not a sound going on outside my apartment and it's music to my ears. My favorite smell is the aroma of morning. It reminds me of getting up and waiting for the school bus in my elementary school days. There is also just something about the morning smell that smells so good. There is probably a scientific answer as to what it is, but I'm not sure of what it is. It's unfortunate that I am not a morning person.

 Every Sunday my roommate and I have a tradition of playing video games together in the evening. Yesterday was the last time that I played video games with my roommate. Of course, we will definitely play video games together in the future, but it won't be as roommates. He has had a dream of living on his own since he was in high school and now, he thinks he has the ability to do so. I wish him well, even though I'm not entirely sure how smart of an idea that is. I say this as I know exactly what his pay is since I am the financial manager at the company he works for. No matter though, if he wants to try it then I wish him well. I'm also kind of excited to start living on my own. Having a roommate means there are a lot of considerations you need to pay attention to in order to keep harmony with your roommate. Now that I will be living alone, I only need to worry about myself. Having lived by myself before, it's very nice.  I have this thing where I really just like to ta...

Lately my wrists have been in bad shape so I haven't been posting as much. I'm trying to lessen my typing. Covid 19 is still going as strong as ever in America so things are still locked down although we can eat at restaurants if the restaurants are at 50% capacity. I got a new camera, the Sony A7R iii. I really like it, it takes much better pictures in low light and it's mirrorless. I also started looking up YouTube videos on how to learn new things. I am thinking of trying to learn how to draw, sing, and maybe learn popping. The last one is a suggestion from my friend so I thought I might give it a try.  My boss suggested he wanted to be done with his company in about 10 years. He asked if I would be interested in buying it from him along with a few other people who have been with the company for a while. I'm definitely interested as having my own business has been my dream for forever, even if I don't end up starting it myself, which I might not at this rate.  It...